My Pet, Argus Filch
by Tigers Like Red Blood
Summary: Do you ever wonder what was the story with Argus Filch, how did he end up with Mrs. Norris, or did Mrs. Norris end up with him? This is their story, from Mrs. Norris' point of view. Beware: this story may be too complicated for your human brain to handle


**_My Pet, Argus Filch _**

**_You think it'd be great to be a cat wouldn't you!_**

You're probably thinking, "ooh! I wouldn't have to go to school, I could lay around all day and have people do things for me!"

Well you're lazy.

And you're wrong.

I am Mrs. Norris, and Argus Filch is my pet.

Yes he is MY pet.

You may reflect on the fact that humans are the ones who are supposed to own the cats so you might say, "Aren't you his pet?"

But once again you'd be wrong.

And stupid.

The humans might feed the cats and buy things for the cats but alas we are the ones who own them… think about it

You see they do everything for us.

What does that make them?

Our slaves.

But cats are more noble than the average petty human so in return for their services we pass on the endless information us cats carry so brilliantly in our brains to our pets as fast as their minds will allow.

Which is not very fast at all.

We also let them name us… however idiotic our names can be… (Fluffy is the worst) our names seem to grow on us after a while… it is alas another thing we are willing to let the humans decide. Besides a name is just a name.  
Of course I knew this one cat that had the name of Crookshanks… poor little dear.

Didn't mind much though, like I said it tends to grow on you.

Plus…

I spent a lot of time training that human.

So yes he is MY pet!

You didn't honestly think I'd expect you to be able to figure that out yourself did I?

No!

Because as said before humankind is the most, dull, close-minded, dimwitted species to ever roam the planet they so insipidly destroyed.

Idiots.

No offense.

You know what actually take offense, it'll be nice for SOME of the human population to realize how stupid they are.

Enough blabbering of me about how stupid homosapiens are and on with the part you probably WILL be able to absorb with your miniscule brain.

Now you're probably wondering how I came across a pet such as the one I have, Argus Filch, and I suppose I should tell you.

So I will.

Well I assume I should start from the beginning of my story.

As that is where all proper stories begin.

So I shall.  
I was born to a mother, whom was unfit to have kittens, so naturally my brothers and sisters and I were thrown into a large burlap sack and helplessly thrown into the nearest river.  
Very kind I know.

I remember the kicks and squeals from my siblings as the water flooded their lungs, I must admit, I kicked and squealed along with the rest of them. The feeling was horrible. It felt as if it would never end. 

My lungs were screaming for air and my brain was pounding against my skull. I couldn't move properly, it was dark, it was cold. 

When finally it did.

I felt us being pulled, I think it was up, I was so confused at the time. But what other way would it be?

There was a large rip and then light, light so bright and warm.

Heavenly.

I felt someone picked me up and nudge me on the chin. The touch was so warm I could stay there forever.

I couldn't help but use the last small amount of my energy to purr at my savior.

The teenage boy Argus kept me alive and nursed me back to health despite rejections from his parents.

It was then that I decided to keep him as my pet.

Yes MY pet! Argus Filch is MY pet! Not the other way around or in any other way you would think it!  
I was about a year old, and I was following my pet around to make sure he did all of his chores correctly. So his parents would scold him and lock me in a cupboard again.

Stupid human fools.

If he missed a spot I would either meow or paw his leg.

Sooner or later he would get it.

I knew Argus had more potential than a normal stupid homosapien.

The way he acted, the look in his eyes, I knew he was brilliant. 

It was a Monday, I think you humans call it, and Argus was finishing up his chores.

I was busy swatting at a fly (annoying little buggers they are, but when you become bored they seem to have the ability to occupy you, even if you don't plan on eating them afterwards) when suddenly his female homosapien caretaker walks in.

"Argus! What is that blasted cat doing in my living room!" the large smelly human made a grab for me, but I was too quick for her.

"I am NO blasted cat! You imbecile!" I said but alas her brain was not capable of understanding the complex nature of the cat's tongue… that means language you fool.

My dodging made her mad, so naturally she began to throw things at me.

Though I dodged each object effortlessly this made Argus mad.

"STOP IT!" He yelled and I leapt into his arms.

He ran up to his living space and began putting all his belongings and my belongings in a large bag.

I could hear the large dowager still throwing things and cursing loudly downstairs.

We left.

Dull woman she was anyway.

We walked for the longest time, Argus even cried a few times. I tried my best to comfort him, purring and nudging. I'd never seen a human being that sad before, it made me, a being of higher intellect, want to cry as well.  
The next part was, dare I say it, even confusing for me at the time. Somehow we wound up at this big castle, a school I suppose. Argus collapsed on the ground from exhaustion, I ran for help.

I guess by pure luck I happened to come across a barely decently intelligent old man, the look in his eyes made me know that this old man was more than he appeared to be.

So with my high intellect, I lead him back to where my pet lay.

The old man pulled out a long stick and pointed it at him. My pet began floating.  
Thus the day we became part of Hogwarts.

Dumbledore, the man with the stick, gave my pet a job and I knew it was my duty to help.

At nights I would prowl for students whom were supposed to be in bed.

Argus loved to hang them from the ceiling, or more or less threaten them a bit.

It was funny.

Stupid humans.

As I got older there were more and more troublemakers, these two red haired boys who always shot stink pellets at me, once they succeeded in dying my fur pink.

I hate pink.

Then about five years ago, a boy with jet black hair came to the school, and that was when all the trouble started.

In his first year he just HAD to go in the one place he wasn't allowed. Drove my pet and I crazy!

In his second year more trouble, though I don't remember most of it.

Because you see I was knocked out and tied to a torch by my tail, woken up again and then petrified.

Human imbeciles.

I thought his third year would be by far the worst! Him and his two sidekicks hiding under a cloak and walking around like no one could see them. It was embarrassing!

But I was wrong fourth year was absolutely horrid! The boy was sneaking around under his cloak nightly and even though I yelled and yelled for my master to see him, glared at him, and just plain stared at him, everyone would pretend to not see him. Even my pet! I thought I had trained him better!

Silly boy.

Fifth year was a little more exciting, we were able to give more punishments, with a new foul smelling woman that came to the castle.  
She loved cats, she tried to dress me up in a pink frilly bow outfit.

She is not only an idiot.

She is a weirdo beyond all reason.

She left and I'm glad.

Idiotic woman.

Though Argus seemed to like her.

Argus still needs some training you see.

Ah, well, summers are nice, laying around with no pesky children to dump.

But, this summer I will have to spend training my pet a bit more.

Yes MY pet!

Honestly what do I have to do to get it through your thick human skulls!

A/N Well there you have it... this was a random story I randomly thought up in a so randomly random way. Please review and let me know what you thought.  



End file.
